Let the pussies amongst us live in Toy Stories all they want, but I know for sure the world is divided into two categories, ASSES and BAD ASSES. The former being the Ji Huzoors and Puppies of the opposite sex and the latter, living on the Hum Hai Yum category. The problem with today’s time is that everyone prefers a sheep over a wolf which is a bummer as it makes us live our lives with our heads pinned down rather than straight up with a scrolling gadget on our head dictating what we actually feel. This rant is a guide to all the mundane situations we face in life and how we should stop tucking our tails in between and start acting LIKE BADASS MEN. Don’t you see? Your ex had broken up with you for someone who is a drunkard, wore jeans below his knees, talks like Aslam bhai, treats her like shit and xyzabcd of such assorted crap while you were a ‘perfect’ ass!
1. Rule number one of being a douche: Talk about the girl on the other side of the road with utmost enthusiasm, as you would if you saw say, Katrina or Deepika. Just because you are with a chick does not make the other ones less desirable! Honey, didn’t you say you wanted me to be honest?
2. Momma’s boy: MY MOM THIS, MY MOM THAT. Compare her with your mom and make her feel like an expensive housewife. This helps the rupees remain in your pocket, rather than resemble a rocket.
3. Open the door for your girl, and make sure you tell her that this deed only represents your true love for the car. MEN have feelings too, hence proved!
4. Be honest, tell her you are not immune to onegina disease (if you don’t get this, don’t read further, there is no hope) and you want to keep it that way. She’ll laugh thinking you are joking and you‘ll laugh thinking, “Am I a BAD OR WHAT!!”
5. “YES MA’AM”, “OKAY HONEY!”, “Your wish is my command.” and such similar jargons just nominate you as a candidate for a life time achievement award in the pushover category. Learn to say NO. Entire India was captured with the ‘Ya’, ‘yes’ and ‘haan-jis’ of our ancestors. Take history has a lesson and digest this one like chutney to sandwich.
6. Counter strike vs answering your girlfriend’s call is a no brainer. There is nothing to think. Period!
7. Puking after drinking is part of a guy’s life. If you have to choose between her and alcohol, you know she is as cool as Jasuben from Baroda. Chose the alcohol and let her decide if she can live with it or not. Emotions are like softwares, they can always be updated. Alcohol is oxygen, there is no substitute. USE YOUR HEAD and PAT MY BACK ON THAT.
8. She hates anyone who smokes, and you think smoking is a sign of being REAL BAD. What do you do? You ask her to passive smoke, active smoke or vanish like smoke. Poof! Wasn’t act what you feel part of our agenda?
9. Take me shopping, take me to a mall, take me to big bazaar. JESUS! Bury me in the deepest hole!! This mania can only be overcome by doing the same to her. Take her to video game shopping, drag her to a weed pharmacy, invite her to alcohol buying spree. We’ll do everything together, COME ON THEN!!
10. Get a Mohawk, Splash some tattoos, bandanas and kadas. Look the talk. Wearing formals and acting like Khali will get you a wild card entry into a roadside laughter challenge.
11. Don’t let anything stand in your way. Bad assesses obliterate walls. Don’t drive fast, don’t race, don’t break signals, don’t the “don’t”s ! A good guy obeys the law, a bad one makes the law anda badass is above the law. Get that?
There are millions of other scenarios which can’t be covered in this mundane attempt at recreating Mr Mayhem. Life throws a lot and even a meanie’s life is not easy. He has to come up with new ways to keep his reign supreme for even being bad with the same strategy everyday is bummer! I, for one, had to think a lot to come up with these 11 commandments as I am happy being a sheep but hey Edison didn't actually become a bulb to invent the bulb did he?