How to be a BAD ASS !

Let the pussies amongst us live in Toy Stories all they want, but I know for sure the world is divided into two categories, ASSES and BAD ASSES. The former being the Ji Huzoors and Puppies of the opposite sex and the latter, living on the Hum Hai Yum category. The problem with today’s time is that everyone prefers a sheep over a wolf which is a bummer as it makes us live our lives with our heads pinned down rather than straight up with a scrolling gadget on our head dictating what we actually feel. This rant is a guide to all the mundane situations we face in life and how we should stop tucking our tails in between and start acting LIKE BADASS MEN. Don’t you see? Your ex had broken up with you for someone who is a drunkard, wore jeans below his knees, talks like Aslam bhai, treats her like shit and xyzabcd of such assorted crap while you were a ‘perfect’ ass!

1. Rule number one of being a douche: Talk about the girl on the other side of the road with utmost enthusiasm, as you would if you saw say, Katrina or Deepika. Just because you are with a chick does not make the other ones less desirable! Honey, didn’t you say you wanted me to be honest?

2. Momma’s boy: MY MOM THIS, MY MOM THAT. Compare her with your mom and make her feel like an expensive housewife. This helps the rupees remain in your pocket, rather than resemble a rocket.

3. Open the door for your girl, and make sure you tell her that this deed only represents your true love for the car. MEN have feelings too, hence proved!

4. Be honest, tell her you are not immune to onegina disease (if you don’t get this, don’t read further, there is no hope) and you want to keep it that way. She’ll laugh thinking you are joking and you‘ll laugh thinking, “Am I a BAD OR WHAT!!”

5. “YES MA’AM”, “OKAY HONEY!”, “Your wish is my command.” and such similar jargons just nominate you as a candidate for a life time achievement award in the pushover category. Learn to say NO. Entire India was captured with the ‘Ya’, ‘yes’ and ‘haan-jis’ of our ancestors. Take history has a lesson and digest this one like chutney to sandwich.

6. Counter strike vs answering your girlfriend’s call is a no brainer. There is nothing to think. Period!

7. Puking after drinking is part of a guy’s life. If you have to choose between her and alcohol, you know she is as cool as Jasuben from Baroda. Chose the alcohol and let her decide if she can live with it or not. Emotions are like softwares, they can always be updated. Alcohol is oxygen, there is no substitute. USE YOUR HEAD and PAT MY BACK ON THAT.

8. She hates anyone who smokes, and you think smoking is a sign of being REAL BAD. What do you do? You ask her to passive smoke, active smoke or vanish like smoke. Poof! Wasn’t act what you feel part of our agenda?

9. Take me shopping, take me to a mall, take me to big bazaar. JESUS! Bury me in the deepest hole!! This mania can only be overcome by doing the same to her. Take her to video game shopping, drag her to a weed pharmacy, invite her to alcohol buying spree. We’ll do everything together, COME ON THEN!!

10. Get a Mohawk, Splash some tattoos, bandanas and kadas. Look the talk. Wearing formals and acting like Khali will get you a wild card entry into a roadside laughter challenge.

11. Don’t let anything stand in your way. Bad assesses obliterate walls. Don’t drive fast, don’t race, don’t break signals, don’t the “don’t”s ! A good guy obeys the law, a bad one makes the law anda badass is above the law. Get that?

There are millions of other scenarios which can’t be covered in this mundane attempt at recreating Mr Mayhem. Life throws a lot and even a meanie’s life is not easy. He has to come up with new ways to keep his reign supreme for even being bad with the same strategy everyday is bummer! I, for one, had to think a lot to come up with these 11 commandments as I am happy being a sheep but hey Edison didn't actually become a bulb to invent the bulb did he?

How to get over this addiction?

Oxford dictionary defines addiction as ‘a fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity’. Well to put it in perspective many people are addicted to many things, porn, alcohol, cigarette, crack, etc etc, but these things are not something that gets my freak on. It’s something more serious.

Over the years from the age of 16, I ve been driving, started with a Maruti 800 and then graduated to a Zen. I have pushed these cars to their limits once in a while and got my kicks, of course these cars were fast, but not really really fast and hence the thrills were limited. But since the Swift came into my life, I ve been pushing the boundaries of killing myself almost everytime I find an empty road. Not that I am not loving it, but as age is catching up, I am beginning to realize the consequences of ‘What If’? I mean doing 180 and 190 k at every available empty stretch will atleast sometimes catch your guardian angels by surprise?

It started of initially with, ‘Ah well this is fun’ to ‘Ah okay I ll keep myself restricted to 120’, to ‘Ah its such an empty stretch 120 k feels too slow’, to finally, ‘fuck this shit, I ll max it out whenever I feel like, whats the harm ?’.

I've pasted notes on my dashboard to remind me not to speed, promised parents and friends that I won’t speed, followed trucks back home so that I don’t speed, promised myself rewards if I abstained for 2 months without speeding. Maximum I've reached is a cool 2 weeks after which again a tempting stretch has broken the rhythm.

It passed all heights a few days back, when even though I was tired after coming back from work, I woke up at 2 am, Yes you read it right 2 AM and thought to myself ‘The 14 Kilometer Mumbai Eastern freeway will be as empty as a haunted house, lets go and max the car out’. For a second I could not believe myself, but the very next second I wore my shoes and scooted from the house in my shorts. Even while driving till the freeway, I kept telling myself ‘This is nonsense, which mature adult does this kind of shit?’, but NO SIR, as the freeway kept getting nearer the inner voice kept getting leaner and leaner until the freeway started and all mature senses were muted and all I could do was go with the flow. I rammed the throttle from the start till the end of the freeway, took the corners at breakneck speeds and reached the opposite side in like some blinks of the eye, all 14 kilometers of it to directly turn around and do the same thing again till the Chembur end.

While I was driving back home after exiting the freeway, Both my immature and mature senses said ‘THAT WAS FUN, innit blood?’. Phew. Of course, by morning when I was getting ready to go to work, thinking about last nights episode, all I said to myself was ‘stupid, stupid stupid’.

On the way to rozi roti I was thinking, I need to blog this, I need to google how to get over this addiction, I need to hear a word of advice from people who have gone through this, I need to talk to someone. Not my parents, Not my relatives, they ll make sure I don’t step anywhere near a car for a long time. Maybe someone who’ll read this blog and understand? Or maybe I need to meet my mature side over a pint of beer and talk it out. Either ways, something needs to be done and that too FAST. See, ‘fast’ again, now how sadistic is that ?

My Dear Pakistan

On January 8^th 2013, you came into my country like renegade rambo's and killed two of its soldiers, mutilated one’s body and beheaded the other while taking his head back as a trophy. Well, what a jingoistic medal that, but not your first time at such escapades, if only nature had awarded you with balls to stay back after your inhuman exploits rather than run away like pussies, sigh. Moving on, Ilyas Kashmiri, one of yours then soldier gave a similar performance way back in 1999 and was awarded 1 lakh rupees as a reward by 'Not so general anymore' Musharaff for bringing back a souvenir, little knowing that some years later the beheader would be droned to death for being a terrorist by the Americans and the award giver would have his head slit the moment he returns to Pakistan. Karma is a bitch, isn't it blood ?

I would have been extremely happy if you would have beheaded Manmohan Singh’s daughter or son rather than a poor soldier who only had Mother India in his blood, but very little in his pocket, irony, maybe then our Sardar would have opened his mouth and wits to take some action against parasites like yourself rather than put his Aman ka Tamasha forward, but remember the world has its ways of meting out punishments even if the dhotis in the parliament don’t move a muscle. 

Let me elaborate, on January 10^th 2013, 2 days after your escapade in India, multiple bombs exploded in Pakistan killing 115 of your people in a single day. Normally, I would feel sad at such a waste of human lives, but that day I did not. I felt a sense of satisfaction flow through my head, a feeling which resounded support for any country or thing committed to your very removal as an entity from this planet with all its inhabitants charred to dust. My favourite bird since some years has changed from a kingfisher to an american drone for this very reason. If only our government spent some of their grey matter on planning bombing missions into your Pak as fuck land rather than just spending dough on getting armaments from Israel, Russia and America to rot in some bunker in Pokhran or Kashmir. 

Some days later, I was surfing online and realised, Hey, we keep using ‘Fuck’ as a cuss in our everyday lives like it was a default setting, but what does Oxford dictionary actually have to say about this exclamatory entity. Eager to find out I googled and like always Oxford explained, “The official definition of fuck, is when USA told Pakistan after 9/11 “We will bomb you back to stone age if you do not co-operate". Further on, this very dictionary describes the use of the word ‘Fuck off’ as a cuss used by the American government when Pakistanis protest against the drone strikes on their tribal belts. Popping a thumbs up, I promised myself to explain these intricacies to all the naïve Indian who use them minus any relevance to the actual intention.  

Googling further, I accounted that since 9/11, 35 thousand of  your people have died in bomb explosions and terrorist attacks all over your country, finally the snake got bitten by its own venom eh ? Your country was created in 1947 on the basis that ‘Hindu and Muslims’ can’t live together and hence a separate entity called Pakistan has to be formed. Sure enough, I am glad for us, for the Muslims who left India during the partition, as for those war mongering bastards that reside in your country would have never been able to live with us peace loving Indians in our motherland. This is not just random blabber, a survey conducted in 2012 ascertains that 6 out of 10 Pakistani hate India. Well the amount we have progressed in 66 years compared to the amount you have not progressed at all, you fellows do sound like a jealous housewife when you start complaining about India. What to do, Jihad was more important for ya'll than industrialisation and technology. 

You say you want Kashmir, well, come and get it, who is stopping you? Wow, I just remembered, the 8 lakh Indian soldiers in Kashmir, who will erase your very existence from this planet the moment you step out of your pig nests are the ones stopping you, your military budget which stands at a meagre 6.2 billion $ a year compared to our mammoth 50 billion $ a year is stopping you and lastly the flourishing economy that you have gifted your kind self is holding your horses on titanium leashes. 

I remember Zulfikar Ali Butto, proudly proclaiming in 1965 “We will eat grass, go hungry even, but we will get our nuclear bomb”, well with the bomb explosions happening every day in your pure as Bisleri land, surely even grass dare not grow between all that scattered ordinances and limbs. I am not surprised at your current state though, the day you adopted theocracy as your mode of governance, you announced doomsday as your future tense. Look at the middle east, its like counter strike on news channels everyday with no respite in sight. I hope when you are on the brink of extinction, you ponder over your mistakes and come to a conclusion that Indians were right throughout and you were always condemned.

For now, lets agree to disagree and stay out of each others way, We know that we will play a part in your destruction in some decades like we dismembered Bangladesh in 1971, but let that time not come right tomorrow or day after as our current government is spineless enough to let you live even if it has the opportunity to finish a cancer like yourself once and for all. It's not their fault, the grandmothers and grandpa's in the parliament just do not have the stomach to  give a bone crunching blow and most of all they are so busy with corruption that they just don't have the time for you. Look at how big hearted we are, we let you live in 1947, we gave you a pass in 1965 for you to try your luck in 1971 and 1999. In fact in 1971, we took 90 thousand of your soldiers as prisoners of war and then gave them back to you without even a pin prick to either of them, sigh. The day, a reincarnation of Indira Gandhi comes to power, you will run, but you will not be able to hide, you will pray, but even your imaginary entity will put his hands up and say 'Times up Fellas'. Until then, you can celebrate Diwali all year around whether you like it or not and as for us, we will wait for your next circus to come in a city near us.